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VICEEOY'S DREAM, 



OR THE 



CANADIAN GOVERNMENT NOT "WIDE AWAKE.' 



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THE 



VICEROY'S DREAM, 



OR THE 



CANADIAN GOVERNMENT NOT "WIDE AWAKE. 



A MONO-DRAMATICO-POLITICAL POEM. 



BY LYNCH LAWDON SHARPE. 



LONDON : 

WHITTAKER AND CO.; BELLERBY, YORK; CROSS AND 
HARRISON, LEEDS. 



1838. 



Ho 32 



PERSONS. 



His Excellency the Governor-General, Vice-Admiral, and 
Captain-General of her Majesty *s North American Pro- 
vinces, and Viceroy in Canada. 

Gibbon, ) ^ , . . . . ^r. 

^ y Gentlemen m waiting on the V iceroy. 

Splash, a Domestic Artist. 

Apparitions of Lords Brougham, Melbourne, Glenelg, and 

John Russell. 
Physician. 
Delegates, and others; Servants and Attendants. 



The Scene is laid in the Viceregal Residence at Quebec. 



THE VICEROY'S DREAM. 



SCENE I. 

Aute-chamber to the Viceroy's sleeping apartment, in the 
Viceregalresidence. — Time — midnight. 

Turtle and Gibbon discovered playing at dominoes. 

Gibbon. See, how you lay that piece amiss ! 

Turtle. Amiss ? — 

'Tis double cinque, and cinque-deuce joined to that. 

Gib. True ! but observe the mimic line we draw. 
To represent the ramparts of Quebec. 
Thus far our game did trace the walls which stretch,. 
With devious angles, right athwart the neck 
Of this peninsula : — but now you break 
The rule of fortification and defence, 
By laying down your pieces like a child 
Who plays for pastime merely, caring naught 
For bastion, angle, flank, or battery. 
And anxious only to play out the play. 

TuRT. Why, so would I. 

Gib. Not thus are we enjoined 

To waste our sport: his Excellency bids, 
That, as we wile an hour away in play, 
We make the game subservient to some profit. 
Blending the useful with the pleasant ; and 
As ^Esop learned to moralize at taws, 
We likewise make our duties here a sport. 
Acquiring knowledge of the colony. 
Whereof we know so little ; Shame upon us ! 
If to the mother country we return 
As ignorant as we came. I wish t' acquire 
A general knowledge of the strength and state 
Of our defences here, in case a row. 
Despite the Viceroy's potent ordinances, 

a2 



4 

Arise next winter in the ealony. 

Hence, do you see ? — in gam^s of dominoer 

I seek the science which I lack the most. 

Some uses of stone walls I know ; but thi&, — 

The art of keeping men outside the wall,— 

Is new to my unpractised intellect. 

Why, Turty, you're aisleep \ 

TuRT. Nay, I but mused 

On a new project for an ordinance. 

Gib. Your scheme to hang or banish traitors firsts 
And try them after, if convenient. 
Bespoke true genius, such as well befits 
The shrewd adviser of a despot bound 
By no restraint of mean and vulgar law. 
What new device is hatching in your brain ? 

TuRT. A simple plan, — yet popular, I ween^. 
How many wretched couples, man and wife, — 
Say rather, mutual torments, — groan beneath 
The inexorable bondage of a yoke 
Themselves imposed ; — conventional bond, 
The parent often of conventional crime. 
Dost take me, Gibby ? — Let the Viceroy give 
A proclamation to the effect that all 
Who wish may be released from marriage vows := — 
An amnesty, in short, of wedlock. 

GiR. Ah ! 

TuRT. A sweet oblivion of the past, a plain 
Legal non-recognition of a union 
To either party grown distasteful, or 
For one more luring scorned. This cannot fail 
To please the multitude ; and scandal's mouth 
Will be ystopped, and conscience rendered free ; 
Nor taunts, nor shai-p compunctious visitings — 
— What was that sound ? 

Gib. His Excellency's snore !; 

I know it well, Sir, and well pleased I hear ; 
For 'tis the signal sends us both to bed. 
So long as doth the noble Viceroy wake, 



5 

Our duty keeps us here ; but when he sleeps, 

Aud Morpheus winds his Lordship's nasal trombone 

With deep sonorous note, our watch is done. — [about toretire,'\ 

<TOod night ! — be sure, don't blow the candle out. 

But use the extinguisher; for should the stench 

Steal through the keyhole and assail the nose 

Viceregal, 'tis an incense will incense 

His delicate organ with a sense of fury. 

And rouse him, though he slept as sound a sleep 

As fifty of Glenelg's condensed in o}ie. [Ea:it.] 

TuRT. (musingly J Yes, yes ! — the marriage ordinance is 
the thing ! 
"'Twill serve a double purpose ; first to win 
The popular applause (vile humbug !), for 
It cannot but be grateful to the crowd 
Of luckless Benedicks to be again 
Free as their will to mate as pleases best : — 
But chiefly, that it will obHterate 
Odious distinctions, doth it like me well. 
For why should he, who hath the heart to brave 
Laws and fastidious virtue in pursuit 
Of his own wishes, to eternal fame 
Be vilely damned ; while in those craven fools, 
Who would but dare not, — strait necessity 
Is virtue, and constrained morality 
A paltry counterfeit of decency ? 
Out on the hateful law ! Is that true valour 
Which makes the soldier face the enemy, 
Because his captain stands behind prepared 
To shoot him if he turn } Why should we tether 
Their feet who wish to run the devil's race, 
And then pretend to know the fleetest step } — 
O, we must have this custom well reformed ! [Exit.] 

SCENE IL 
The Viceroy's sleeping apartment, sumptuously furnished. 
At the extremity of the scene is an open recess illuminated 
with a lamp, which is, however, hid from the spectator's 



6 

eye. His Excellency is discovered asleep on a couch 
beneath a canopy richly emblazoned with the viceiegai 
symbols and arms. 

Music plays, at first soft and soothing in its strain ; then 
changing its character in accordance with the changes in 
the representation of the vision. 

The Viceroy begins to shoiv symptoms of restlessness 
which gradually increases upon Mm. 

Enter, from the recess, the Apparition of Lord 
Brougham ; it approaches the Vicerofs couch, and shakes 
its head ominously over the restless sleeper, tvhose disturb- 
ance grows more intense. The Apparition then draws from 
its coat pocket a roll of parchment, and partly opening it, 
points to the word " Ordinances." The Viceroy 
aiiempts to clutch the scroll, but the Apparition eludes 
his grasp, and unfolding the roll further points to the words 
^' Habeas Corpus ;" then to the words " Condemnation 
WITHOUT Trial, Illegal;" and at last, with a Sardonic 
grin, displays the word " Murder." The Viceroy again 
attempts to snatch the parchment, but in vain, and the 
Apparition deliberately folds it up and returns it to its 
pocket, from whence it draws a miniature gibbet, which it 
waves threateningly over the sleepe7''*s couch for a few 
moments, and then makes a feint of putting the halter round 
the neck of the Viceroy, who utters a shriek and hides his 
face in the covci'lid. After putting on several jeering 
grimaces and plaxfing a feiv grotesque antics, the Appa- 
rition puts the gibbet out of sight, and commences patting 
the shoulder of the Viceroy in a coaxing manner, and as 
soon as the latter ventures to look up again, it smiles and 
nods graciously, while it draws a scroll from its right-hand 
breeches'' pocket, and opening it, exhibits the words "Act 
of Indemnity." The Viceroy attempts with an indig- 
nant foot to kick the scroll out of the hafid of the Appari- 
tion, which nimbly skips out of the way, and dancing with 
comic capers into the recess, turns a sneering aspect towards 
the Viceroy with its thumb to its nose and its fingers spread 
out, as in the operation called " taking a sight,'' a?id disap- 
pears. Music ceases. 



Viceroy. (Sitting up in led.) Again that frightful 
spectre haunts my sleep 1 
Surely I did but dream : — yet wherefore dream 
So potently ? and thrice repeated too, 
These three successive nights ! At first methought 
'Twas but a passing freak of playful Mab : 
And when again next night it came, I deemed 
My supper with the Delegates oppressed 
My stomach, leaden indigestion 
Loading my bosom, like a brooding toad, 
Hatching vile fancies in my fevered brain. 
But yesternight I supp'd not, — nay, all day 
I fed most lightly, and at early morn 
Had taken a wholesome tonic to restore 
The healthful action of the gastric juice, 
The liver stimulate and free the bile -,— 
But still this night-mare spectre comes again. 
And with more horrid semblance of the truth. 
rU have a dose of calomel to-morrow ; 
And to divert my mind will study well 
How best the Constitution to amend 
Of Canada and my own. (Yawns) Sleep, gentle sleep. 
Nature's soft nurse, why dost thou frighten me. 
That I no sooner close my eyelids down. 
To steep my senses in forgetfulness. 
Than thou dost conjure up some fearful dream, 
Like the hobgoblin tales of nurseries 
"Which other nurses fright poor babes withal ? 
Why bringst thou yonder rude imperious Lord, 
Who in the visitation of a dream 
Takes me just like a ruffian by the top, 
Clawing my sacred head, and hanging me, 
'Mid saucy laughter, on a shadowy gibbet. 
That in a flurry a Viceroy awakes ? 
Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose 
To tripe-fed labourers without a dream ; 
And upon quinine and most delicate fare, 
(Unless with spectral visions horrible,) 



8 

Deny it to a Governor-General ? 
Heigho ! unhappy King-depute, lie down ! 
Uneasy lies a Viceroy's aching crown 1 flies down again and 
sleeps. Miisic plays.) 

Enter the Apparition of Lord Melbourne, holding a 
hlaxik mask to its face. It approaches the Viceroy's 
couch. Music ceases. 

Viceroy, (starting up into a sitting posture, and glaring 
wildly. 
Again hast found me, O mine enemy ? 
Avaunt ! foul specti*e ; out ! out of my sight ! — 
(TJie Appariiion waves its hand.) 
Nay, an thou w- ilt not go, take off thy mask, 
And show thy hated feature : — mock me not 
With sham forbearance and feigned tenderness, 
As thou wouldst spare to blast my eye again 
With th' ice-cold sneer I saw erewhile ! reveal 
Thy gibbet-looking front ! aye, do thy worst, — ■ 
Unmask ! — not worse than my ideal glance 
Through that dark visor's ill-decorous shroud. 
Can the real thing appear. Unmask, I say ! 

Appar. Compose yourself. 

Vice, That voice r — it is not his I 

Who art thou ? speak again ! the very sound 
Of any voice, save his, is soothing. Speak ! 

Appar. In me, thou, Lambton, thy Good Genius seest. 
Sent hither to awarn thee what behoves 
Thee well to know. — You do remember Brougham — 

Vice. Remember ! — Who forgets ? — His caustic look 
Hath scorched a spectrum on my optic nerve 
Never to be erased. 

Appar. Prepare to hear ! — 

Soon as the news of your famed Ordinance 
About those rascal traitors — 

Vice. Gentlemen all, believe me. 

Appar. Well, well ! — soon as the news arrived at home, 
That pestilent and speech-pugnacious lord 
Raised an infernal shine in Parliament, 



Averring that illegal were your acts, 
And you amenable to punishment. 

Vice. Me \—me " amenable" ?— " illegal" too ?— 

Appar. Oi habeas corpus, then, he raved; and swore. 
If that your Excellency hanged a knave 
Untried, the act would murder be. 

Vice. My stars ! 

But he grows malapert, that prating Lord ! 
Does he forget that I'm Dictator here. 
Sent out to make new laws and to reform 
The Constitution as I list ? Ye powers ! 
The irreverent jester flouts the Majesty 
O'th' Queen in me her representative. 
Zounds ! Sir, am I Victoria's ^ whipping-boy,' 
To take the cuffs and blows they dare not give 
The Royal person ? 

Appar. But, list, list, O list ! 

The scent thus found upon your Lordship's trail, 
The hungry pack of Tory-Radicals, 
Lyndhurst and Wellington at Brougham's heels. 
Opened with deep-mouthed cry upon your track, 
Savagely resolute to hunt you down. 
In vain I cried ' hark back 1' 

Vice. You ! who are you ? — 

Pray, how 's your Mother ? does she know you're out 
So late to night ? You cried, * hark back !' forsooth ? 
YoUy then, were huntsman to the blood-hound pack ? 
But tell me how my friends, the Ministry, behaved ; 
How Melbourne, how Glenelg, and how Lord John ? 

Appar. What mortal Whigs could do, they did : who more, 
No Whig is he : — they safely stood their ground, 
And kept their places. 

Vice, (eagerly) Beat the enemy 
On a division ? 

Appar. No, alas ! they praised 
Your proclamation ; said it was supreme 
In mercy and wisdom ; but so many flaws 
Were in your Ordinance detected, that 



10 

No power could save you .: so to save themselves, 
The Melbourne cabinet, changing sides, avowed 
Your acts illegal, and advised the Queen 
To disallow them : acquiescence was 
Escape's sole outlet. 

YiCE. I am speechless — dumb. 

Appar. To make amends, Lord Brougham proposed an act 
Of full Indemnity, and cheerfully 
In that we joined — 

Vice. " We," Sir ?~who is 't says " we" ? 

Unmask, I say again. 

fUie Apparition lets drop the visor, and falls sup- 
pUatitli/, with folded hands, upon its knees.) 

O, treacherous wretch ! 
False wolf-whelp clothed in semblance of a lamb ! 
In thee I looked for friendship, but find hate. 
So should some diner at a table d'hote, 
In early season of the opening Spring, 
For lamb and sallad send his plate to one 
He deemed his friend, and back the trencher came 
With naught upon it but an offal slice. 
Tainted or underdone, — would he not sigh, 
" This was the most unkindest cut of all" ? 

Appar. Pardon and your indulgence, Sir, I crave: 
Though harsh the deed and seemingly unkind. 
It could not, do believe me, well be helped. 

Vice. Yet, as the hungry man would say, say I, 
^ You might have helped me better.' 

Appar. No, 'pon Honour ! 

Ask Lords Glenelg and Johnny if we could. 

Vice. O, curse 'em ! 

Appar. Let them speak t'ye for themselves. 

[puts its fingers in its mouth and whistles?^ 

Enter Apparitions o/Lord Glenelg and Lord John 
Russell, the former habited in a dressing gown and night- 
cap, the latter bearing a map of the world in its hand. 

Second Appar. Hail potent Durham ! [hieels.] 

Third Appar. Great Dictator, hail ! 

[kneels behind an easy chair,] 



11 

Vice. Pitiful statesmen, see yonr victim here ! 

All the Appae. Xot ours, but Fate's. 

Vice, (to the ^nd Apparition.) And what have you 

to say, 
My Lord Glenelg r 

•2nd Appae. May't please your Highness, this : — 

Had we stood up for you, we'd been undone. 
'Tis true I love my downy pillow, — love 
A cabinet couch, or truckle bed of down ; 
But had we boldly dared to oppose gi-im Yaux, 
The ^lelbourne cabinet had itself been down, 
After a sort I do not love. Alas ! 
How our bare misery would he felt, 
The downy nap away! 

Vice Ah dozer ! 'tis 

* All round thy hat, when thy true love 's away.' — 
May sleepless nights await thee ! 

2nd Appae. Heaven forefend ! 

3rd Appae. Sire : would you hear me speak — 

Vice. I hear ; but whence 

That small voice comes I see not. 

3rd Appae. I am here. 

My Lord, behind the chair. 

Vice. Then forward come, 

Thou sneaker; let me see thy face, if face 
Thou hast to front me. [The Appaeitiox advances on its 
knees to a spot immediately behind the '2nd apparition.] 
Still I see thee not. 

[to the second Apparition.] Sir Secretaiy of the Colonies, 
Just move aside out of the line of sight 
'Twixt him and me ; — I would not, though I could. 
Look through you at this conscience-pricking hour. 

[The second Apparition rises from the place where it teas 
kneeling, and, retiring to the chair, sits down in it and falls 
asleep.] 

3rd Appae. My Lord, had but your Excellency heard 
How much, on your behalf, in Parliament 
I said, you would not in your passionate airs 



12 

Have thus rebuked us : was 't for this, my Lord, 

That I did speak an hour by ShrewsVry clock, 

With all the Commons laughing in my face, 

In praise of your deep prudence ? Was 't for this 

I vowed, upon my ignorance, I knew 

Nothing you 'd done amiss, and that, perchance, 

If I were well aware of all the facts, 

I could have shown how wise were all your deeds ? 

Did I not valiantly aver 'twere better 

To threaten men to hang them without law, 

Than by the law to hang them without threat? 

Hither and thither in my speech I strayed ; 

Pronounced I thought you right, confessed you wrong, — 

Constrained to th' latter by my love of place, 

To th' former by my conscience. [lays Ids hand on his heart. 1 

1st Appar. Hear him, hear ! 

3rd Appar. With these impressions on my mind, I asked 
The Commons' House to pass th' Indemnity. 

Vice. May this indemnify thy head for that ! [throws the 
silver utensil at the apparition^ hut misses it.'] 

3rd Appar. Nay strike, but hear me ! Such poor weapons 
are 
The arguments of despots. I could weep 
Rivers of tears, the Po or Jordan full. 
At your ingratitude for all my pains. 

Vice. Better attempt to drink Niagara dry ! 

3rd Appar. My Lord, my Lord, but deign to hear me out! 
You scorn th' Indemnity, yet what a mess 
Had you been in without it I See this map : 
You banish traitors to Bermuda, which 
Lies not within your jurisdiction. 

Vice. Well? 

A happy quittance of bad company. 

3rd Appar. The act was wise, I gi'ant, — and said so too, — 
But still illegal ; for we took th' opine 
Of the most learn'd Attorney-General, 
And he, with many a canny precedent, 
Pronounced the same illegal. 

Vice. Hoot, mon ! havers ! 



13 

3rd Appar. Your Lordship is facetious : but vouchsafe 
The learned gentleman your ear awhile, — 
I'll call him hither, with your gracious leave, [rises and is 
about to retire. 1 

Vice. Hold, hold ! we '11 grant the question, for I feel 
No wish to see Stratheden's Lady's Lord : 
Enough of humbug have I seen to night. 

3rd Appar. Nay, good my Lord, your words are passing 
harsh. 
Call you it ' humbug,' when I did declare 
Myself most ready, at whatever risk, 
Your dictatorial powers to maintain, 
As by necessity quite justified. 
Though arbitrary and despotic some 
Might call them ? Was it humbug, when I said, 
Tliat, at whatever peril. Government 
Would meet rebellion and conspiracy ? 
I was prepared to say. Sir, — looking at 
The conduct of Lord Durham as a whole, 
Believing him to be by deepest zeal 
For the state's welfare animated, and 
Averse from th' semblance of severity, — 
That I was ready to take part with him, and share 
His deep responsibility : — all this 
I was prepared to say ; but lo ! dread sight ! 
The opposition stared me in the face ; 
And that, which of my own free will I spake, 
By dire necessity was blasted quite. 

Vice. O, blast ye all f 

1st Appar. Remember, Lambton dear. 

Some of your former acts had bothered us : 
We feared another row, if sturdily 
Tliis motion we resisted, lest the choice 
Of T E M T — you know who, my Lord, — 
For your adviser in the law, should breed 
More mischief : — 'twas an awkward business, that ! 

Vice. (Ironically) Innocent Lamb ! it was thyself didst 

TEM/?T, 



14 

But, from that evil, not deliver us. 

3rd Appar. And, noble Viceroy, I assure you 'twas 
With great reluctance that we disallowed 
Your Ordinances, and your conduct damn'd. 
Yet, notwithstanding this, — the sophistry, 
Th' accumulated circumstances, and 
Sarcastic bitterness, with friendship feigned, — 
Yea, notwithstanding these, I boldly say 
Has Durham of his country well deserved, 
Well of his Queen, and of posterity. 

Vice. For which deserts ye have deserted me ! 
Out ! Vampires, that would animate my corse 
With spaniel heart to lick the foot that spurns. 
Away ! avoid my sight, ye precious crew ! 
Ill meet you shortly in the House of Lords. 

[^Exeiint Apparitions of Lords Melbourne and^ou^ 
Russell. 
Why lingers here that sleeper ? [observing the apparition of 
Lord Glenelg in the chair.'] 

Does he know 
The sound of cock-crow ? If it is himself, 
Here present in the body, flesh and blood, 
He does not, I'll be bound : but if a ghost, 
Perchance he may the signal recognise. 

m try him: — Cock-o-leery-co ! [imitates the crowing of a 
cock.'] 

Appar. [starting up^ That sound ! 

'Tis chanticleer proclaims the matin nigh ; 

I snuff the morning air, and must be gone. [Eocit.'] 

The Viceroy lies down in bed, andseemsto compose himself 

to sleep' 

Enter again the Apparition o/Lord Brougham. 

Vice, [muttei-ing as in sleep.] Yes, rogues, I'll meet jovt 

in the House of Lords. 

Appar. {pulling the clothes off the 'Viceroy's bed.] 

And where, your Lordship, will you deign meet me ? 

Vice, [leaping off the couch and seizing a blunderbuss J] 

Thee, spectre ? Where meet thee ? — At Wormwood Scrubbs. 



15 

[Exit Apparition through the recess, but after its dis- 
appearance its shadow remains, as if cast hy the lamp burning 
within, upon the wall which appears at the back. 

Viceroy, [replaces the blunderbuss on the table.] 
He's gone in haste ! [observes the shadow on the wall.] 

What see I ? in such haste 
Departed, that his shadow 's left behind ! 
Of such things have I read, but ne'er till now 
Believed I. Figment of a hated form. 
Follow thy substance, if it substance be 
That owns thee : Out ! [throws his nightcap at the shadow.] 

It moves not ! out, I say ! 
What unreal mockery is this ? out, stain ! — 
Or, if thou wilt abide a stigma there, 
Tliis at the least shall hide thee from mine eye. 

[draws a cttrtain in front of the recess.'] 
The morn shall find an artist that must paint thee out. 
'Would it were daylight ! Are the hours asleep, 
And I alone awake ? Must I perforce. 
Their proxy, keep the watches of the night ? 
Is 't mine to be the universal Vice ? 
Nature's soft nursemaid, I will once again 
Woo thy embraces, [replaces the coverlid on the bed, and 
tucks it carefully in on all sides.] 

Let me make all tight. 
And wrap me snugly in the counterpane. 
That my unrest kick not the bed-clothes down. 
Nor Vaux pull off the blanket in the dark, 
To give me death of cold. — Distraught Viceroy ! [creeps into 
bed.] 
[Music plays softly the air " We We a' noddin.^''] 

SCENE III. — The Antechamber as before. 
A bell rings sharply within. Enter hurriedly Gibbon 
and Turtle. 

Gib. His Excellency wakes betimes this morn. 
Turt, Nay, most untimely wakes [yawtis.] Scarce had I 
closed 



16 

My eyes in slumber, ere that cursed bell 

Oped them again. I sleep but to endure 

The agony of waking ; oyster like, 

Gaping for food, and taking in the knife 

That makes him food for others, [bell rings again.'] 

Gib. What's the row ? 

[Enter the V^iceroy, wrapped in a dressing gown.] 

Vice. Did you not hear that sound ? 

Gib. [looking round with an air of surprise.] What 
sound, my Lord ? 

Vice. My bell ! 

Gib. O yes, my Lord, I heard it. 

Vice. Well? 

And why not answer it ? 

Gib. Your Lordship knows [hows.] 

It is the regulation of the hall, 
No master's bell to answer, till its sound 
Hath ceased to vibrate on the ear ; — a rule 
Most wholesome, since it checks the hasty hand 
Of hot impatience, teaching it to feel, 
The greater is the hurry you display, 
The less is ours. 

Vice. O, mighty fine your words ! 

Gib. My Lord, it is the rule ; and should you ring 
Continuous 'lariims, still, in honour bound, 
I by my order stand ; and though should fall 
Heaven or the ceiling, I must tell you plain, 
The more you ring, the more we will not come ! 
To pleasure you, much would T, but not this, [laijs his hand 
on his heart.] 

Vice. Aye, there 's the scrub ; — a vile impertinent crew, 
Grown fat and insolent in place 1 'Tis this 
That threatens to annul my Ordinance : 
For when I summoned all The Hall to pass 
That measure, though I tore the bell-rope down. 
One loitered while the act was done -, and now 
Lyndhurst and Vaux will say 'twas wrongly passed, 
The Quorum not assembled, [turns away indignantly.] 



17 

Turtle, here ! 
[Turtle approaches the Viceroy, who is about to whisper 

in his ear,] 
Fob ! thou (lost smell of cheese ! Wretch> didst thou sup — 

TuRT. Mj Lord, I do confess, that overnight 
A savoury hot Welsh Rabbit tempted me. 
Vice. Bah ! could you sleep with such a load. 
TuRT. I could 

Have slept in spite of thatj my Lord ; but yet, 
Fearing that good digestion might not wait 
On appetite, nor health on either, I 
Of Durham mustard took a modicum, 
The peptic process to assist ; and hoped, 
Alas ! in vain, no savour would be left. 
Vice. Rash man ! — didst wosh thy teeth ? 
TuRT. My Lord, I did. 

Vice. You did ? 

TuRT. Yes, with of porter just a quart. 

Vice. Oh! Gibbon! [falls fainting into Gibboi^'s arms. 
Turtle offers to assist in supporting his 
Excellency.'] 
GiBB. Off! you see you've killed my Lord. 

[Exit Gibbon dragging off the Viceroy.] 
TuRT. [solus.] This most untoward offence must be 
repaired. 
I have it ! — flattery must make amends. 
His Lordship meets the Delegates to-day : — 
I '11 have some banners blazoned with Initials 
Indicative of noble epithets. [Exit.] 

SCENE IV. — The Viceroy's Sleeping Apartment again. 

TJie Viceroy and Gibbon discovered, the former reclin- 
ing in the easy chair, sipping a cordial. 

Gib. I'll fetch the Doctor. 

Vice. Send a Painter first. [Exit Gibbon.] 

[The Viceroy rises and looks towards the curtain dratcn 
in front of the Recess.] 
Yes, yes ! that hated blot upon the wall 



m 

Shall first be 'rased. Thence comes the worser pait 
Of my distemper ; thence this mad distress. 
Maddening is service of refractory slaves. 
Odious are cheese and j>orter — Ugh ! — ^but worse^ 
Far worse, that horrid phantom'^ phantom shade. 
If paint can do it, paint shall do it out. 

[Re-enter Gibbon, introducing Sflash.] 

Gib. Your Excellency, let me introduce 
This eminent artist, Mr. Splash, [bou/s.'] 

Vice. A name 

Familiar : leave us, Gibbon, leave the room. [Exit Gibbon.] 
[To Splash.'] An artist. Sir, and eminent ! — perchance 
We '11 test your eftest skill. — ^Pray, could you match. 
With imitative colour, the most bright 
Or delicate tint within the Kainbow's arch ? 
Or from the iris of a blue-eyed maid 
The azure hue most faithfully repeat ? 
Say, could you mimic well the green, or blue. 
Or dazzling sheen upon old Ocean's face. 
So true that one might swear you dipp'd your brush 
Into the very wave you copied } Or 
Can you prolong the stain of mildewed wall. 
That the damp blotch no longer be discerned ? — 
Most cunning artist, can you paint thus nice ? 

Splash. Sire, to the shadow of a shade. 

Vice. 'Tis well, 

For a shade'' s shadow you must paint. Behold [draws aside 

the curtain before the Recess.] 
'Tis gone ! — yet fixed indelible I saw 't : 
That was no dream ; but now it mocks my search : 
False egotistic limner ! 

Splash. Do you speak to me, 

My Lord ? 

Vice. No, no ! — But I must find a job 
For this poor dauber to perform : if not. 
He '11 think the Governor- General is crazed. — [aside.] 
Good Sir, this is the countenance that asks 
Your skill, [points to his own cheeky and sits in the chair.] 



T9 

Splash, [in co9is(er?iation.] Good gracious ! please your 
Lordship, I 
Was ne'er a portrait-painter in my life. 
1 ^m an Internal Decorator, and 
At odd times a Wliitewasher. 

Vice. That will do, 

If, as you boasted, you can match the tint 
Of azure sky with matchless mimicry. 
Paint but the colour of this cheek with truth ; 
'Tis all I want : — a bilious humour creeps 
Into my system, and I fain would watch 
Its daily progress by some accurate gage 
And certain observation ; naught so well 
As the complexion's changes will reveal it. 
You understand ? Each morn you take the hue 
And yellow as you find it, paint it down 
On cards, and thus make sure comparison. 
Can you do this ? 

Splash. My stock of ochre's short. 

Vice. Will gamboge do ? 

Splash. It may upon a pinch. 

Vice. Then mix your colour from these pills. 

[ Takes from a drawer a large case of pill-boxes.] 

Dont stare I 
Tliey 're Morison's, numbers one and two : in them 
Gamboge enough to jaundice a whole host. 

[Re-enter Gibbon with a Physician.] 

GiBB. The Doctor, please your Lordship. 

Physician. Much I grieve 

To hear your Excellency 's indisposed — 

Vice. For this intrusion. 

Phys. Nay, my Lord, I come 

On your own summons : — let me feel your pulse. 
[Approaches and sees the pilUhoxes.] 
Good heavens ! what have we here ? — My Lord, my Lord, 
Are you addicted to that thorough poison } 

Vice. Psha, psha ! 'tis but a box of paints : — proceed 
To feel my pulse and contemplate my tongue. 

b2 



20 

Phys. Dyspeptic, Sire, dyspeptic :— do you sleep 
With pain ? 

Vice, [groanmg.'] I do. 

Phys. Your Lordship, then, must take 

Three quarters of an ounce of Cheshire cheese. 

Vice. Of cheese? 

Phys. You must ! and be it well decayed, 

Tasty and odoriferous. 

Vice. 'Twill kill me ! 

Phys. O no ! itself most indigestible, 
It doth provoke the languid stomach's powers. 
By burly challenge to a tough debate ; 
And then the lazy organ, which before 
Did dally triflingly with lighter food. 
Perceives a labour worthy of its strength. 
And girds it to the task : — ^^just so the world : — 
While Canada rebelled in words alone. 
Troubling the empire with disloyal speech, 
A feeble Gosford was the only force 
That Britain used : but, civil dudgeon grown 
To rank and ill-to-be-digested war. 
The British Lion got his stomach up. 

And mightily sent forth his strength and you. [makes a most 
profound bow.] 

Vice. I '11 take the cheese. 

Phys. ^ Your Lordship will do well. 

[hows again and exit.~\ 
[Enter Turtle in haste and with an appearance of alarm, 
holding a Times newspaper in his hand.] 

Vice. What trouble now ? 

TuRT. Such as you will not like. 

My generous Lord. 

Vice, (averting his face and extending his hand. J I 
know — it is the cheese 

TuRT. (holding a napkin to his mouth) You shall not 
smell it ; but, my Lord, read that ! (presents 
the newspaper, which the Viceroy takes and peruses J 
* Vice. What do I see ? — my Ordinance pronounced 



21 

Illegal ! — with advice of Ministers, 

Bj Queen Victoria disallowed ! — an Act 

(And by Lord Brougham too) of Indemnity ! 

My very dream ! — Yet hold 1 — 'tis but the Times, 

Mine ancient and most hateful enemy, 

Concocting figments to disturb my peace. 

I '11 not believe a word on 't. (throws the paper aside.) 

TuRT. ( drawing another paper from his pocket.) 

x\h I my Lord, 
The Grunticle and Glohe repeat the same. 

Vice. The d — 1 they do ! — then I 'm a ruined man ! — 
But no ! it ne'er of Lambton shall be said 
He winced or quailed ! — Go Turtle, — Gibbon, go ! 
Without delay pack up my baggage, — quick ! 
And bring me my pea-jacket, and my boots. 
My hat, and neck-shawl, and et-cceteras. (Exeunt Gibbon 

and Turtle J 
By the first ship I 'U sail, nor here remain 
Another hour. 

Splash. Your Lordship's colour shall I take ? 

Vice. Beshrew the colour ! I will take it home 
To scare Lords Melbourne and Glenelg withal. 

(Re-enter Turtle with travelling habiliments.) 

TuRT. Your Excellency please, the Delegates 
Await your pleasure in the Presence Hall. 

Vice. O hang 'em ! 

TuRT. Will your Lordship choose to sign 

The order for their execution ? 

A^iCE. Zounds ! 

I'm not in earnest : — what a coil you 'd make ! — 
Yet I will meet them, and take civil leave. 
(Tlie Viceroy haviiig indued himself, icith Turtle's as- 
sistance, in all the personal paraphernalia of a journey, 

Exeunt omnes.) 

SCENE V.—The Presence Hall. 
A throne and three Banners respectively inscribed with 
the letters P. P. C— P. D. A.— and D. I. O. 



^2 

Gibbon and Delegates discovered in conversation. 

GiBB. His Excellency comes ! prepared you see 
For travelling : — ^be sure you speak the speech 
As I propounded it ; and stand aside 

In deferential order as T taught. (The Delegates arrange 
themselves on each side of the throne.) 

Enter Viceroy and Turtle ; Servants following 
with trunks J carpet-hags, hand-hoxes and various packages : 
his Excellency stands in front of the throne, hut does not 
take his seat : all the Delegates how profoundly, and the 
Viceroy returns the compliment graciously but with a 
solemn and melancholy air. 

1st Delegate. May 't please your Lordship, — we are 
sorry — very — 
That you are off so soon, 

Omnes. Indeed, we are ! 

1st Del. The rumour met us as we hither came, 
Like cries of " Fire !" repeated through the town, 
Spreading alarm, and breaking ope in haste 
The copious water-plugs of all our eyes, [flent Omnes.'] 
Yet scarce believed we, till assembled here 
Those symbols of leave-taking we beheld, [points to the 
hannersjl 

Vice. Agh ! who has been so busy with our grief. 
To blaze it thus before the general eye ? 

TuRT. My Lord, I am dumb-foundered at the sight, 
And ne'er till now perceived the sad intent 
Of those initials valedictory. 

But know the meaning I designed ; for this [points toP.P.C] 
Reads " Patrice, Populi Custos" — 

\^ICE. [sharply.] Gaoler? Eh? 

TuRT. No,^ — Guardian, Sire ! And this [points to P. DA.] 
*' Prsesidium, 
Decus, Auxilium ;" — and " D. I. O.'* 
Is pregnant with a twin significance; — 
" Durham, Imperio Opifer,^'' — or thus 
Read " Instaurator Orhis /" [uproarious cheers from the 
Delegates.] 



2S 

Vice, [yalde commotus.'] Good, my friends I 
'Tis true I would have been all this, and more^ 
If more were needed and permitted. Nay ! 
I had not shrunk to take the world in hand. 
If that my country called me thereunto. 
I did assume the government of these 
The Provinces of North America, 
With predetermination to provide for all 
Future prosperity and welfare ; and, 
Naught doubting, in three little months have I 
Restored — such as it is — tranquillity : 
Substantial justice — though it was not laav — 
I have administered ; and now was I 
Upon the point to promulgate such laws 
As would the Natives have astonished quite, 
And saved the British interests — and our own. 
In this, I trust, most useful course, a branch 
O' th' British Parliament hath interfered j 
(I need not tell you 'twas impertinent I) 
Th' responsible advisers of the Crown, 
In such a meddling interference have 
Deemed right to acquiesce : so I resign 
That POWER which now is into weakness turned. 
And rendered totally inadequate 
To th' grave emergency that called it forth, [groans from 

the Delegates^ 
'Twas not surprising that Lord Brougham, and those 
Who act with him, should try to mar my schemes. 
But, Sirs, I've been put down and sacrificed, 
Yea I by my friends ! — by those who should have stood 
In my defence against mine enemies, [weeps^ 
For Ministers, in persecution's hour, 
'Twas duty to support me, not to join 
My bitter foes in striking at my head. 

[Shouts of the populace without, cries of " Durham !" — 
" Vive le Gouverneur 1" — " Down with the House of Lords !" 
— " Vive milord Brum !" — " Victoria for ever !" — " Sacra 
bleu 1"—" Huzzah for England 1"~*< Vive la Nation Cana- 



24 

dienne!" -A window being thrown open, the Viceroy 

proceeds to address the People.] 

My friends and ever loyal Colonists ! 

I'm off !— for all my acts are damned, — decreed 

By the whole British Senate, and confessed 

By WiUiam Lamh, to be illegal : aye ! 

And I'm insulted with indemnities. 

Yet nothing- disrespectful do I mean 

To either Ministers or House of Lords. 

But you have been so kind, I can't withhold, 

From gentlemen like you, the honest truth, 

Secure that, in your well tried loyalty 

And warm attachment to the British Crown, [cries without 

" Vive la Liberte !"] 
You never will abuse iliy confidence. 
I came not hither unassured the Queen 
Did delegate to me despotic power : 
And much I deemed it would conduce to good. 
My free unfettered Will should stand for law,— 
For sound substantial policy, my Fiat. . 
For what could mean my sounding titles less — 
" Governor-General," " High Commissioner," 
" Dictator," and the Lord knows what beside — 
What less could all these mean than despot power ? 
Yet when I " tried it on," it would not fit. \ironical cheers 

from the French moh.^ 
My expectations have been disappointed 
Most painfully ; for woful ignorance rules 
At home, where to incessant criticism 
My most minute details have been exposed, 
My powers by system all depreciated. — [cries without, " Vive 

milor de Brummagem !"] 
Then the State Prisoners troubled me : not mine 
Of such canaille to have the odious care : 
But I resolved to make short work of them. 
Judicial process would have vexed afresh 
The public mind, have shown the sympathy 
Of multitudes with bold rebellion, 



25 

And given assurance of impunity 

For guilt political : the disaffect 

Seeing the leaders free, would look on them 

As innocent victims to vindictive charge, [cheers from the 

French mob.] 
And false imprisonment. These mischiefs I 
Was bound f avert, and would have done it too ; 
But I was thwarted : mischief 'light on them 
Whose acts permit the traitors to return 
And raise another row ! Not mine the fault : [^cries tmthout, 

" Vive la liberte 1"] 
Not I encourage fresh rebellion, no ! 
But if it comes, — it comes : I wash my hands 
Of what ensues : I've striven to cement 
British connexion ; loose it now who will, [cries, " Vive le 

citoyen Lambton !"] 
I've gained approval of th' United States 
(A gratifying compliment !) ; I have 
The plaudits of my conscience and of you. [cheers and groans 

intermixed.] 
Britain alone condemns what all commend. 
Observe, I say it not — I do not say, 
That Britain is unworthy now 
Of your allegiance ; — no 1 I say it not. 
The Queen's Advisers and the Senate all 
Are honourable men ; yea, all, all most — 
Most honourable men ! — but me and you 
They 've treated vilely. — Yet I tell you this, 
Ne'er from the Mother Country separate ! — 
" The anchor's weighed, or I would tell ye more." [confused 

hubbub and cheers. Curtain falls.] 



H. BELLERBY, PRINTER, GAZETTE-OFFICE, YORK. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




